Angry and frustrated

It’s been 8 months since we’ve dated and guess what… were arguing like children. I am sick and tired, and so is he. So what does this lead to in any way? I’ve been looking for condominiums for the past month or so, so that his mom can move in with him. I am not even considering myself in the picture yet, why? It seems that our future is so bleak, arguing like this is so exhausting. Next thing, my so-called plan for a joint account, I took it back cause I don’t feel secure. I have looked for furnitures for his move in, so that we can keep things in check and we know the prices and what now? Guess what, its a waste of my time. I have even looked at bridal shops, guess what, now I’m not so sure because it feels goddamn like a tornado, not knowing where its going yet with full force. I feel pressured and not free, just because of not being able to express my uncertainties, doubts, feelings, insecurities and so much more. Why? Apparently, I’m accusing and blaming him for things. How does one get married when one is not happy? You know its the person you want, but at this stage I don’t know anymore. Why? Because constantly I am the one to be blamed, I am the one with mistakes, I am the one that is faulty like a machine that refuses to produce correct results. When I asked him about things? Apparently, I’m pushing his buttons. WTF? Maybe I’m taking things too seriously, so I shall take it as a joy-ride.

Yet with all this in mind just when its my last day at work and going for a better future for myself, after reading his blog, I feel useless again. Why? I realised that his history has so much more happier times than he is with me now. Then what? Is this a joke that I have to live with? He typed his mother likes her, few days ago I heard his mother doesn’t like her. WHAT?? I have been living with a ghost that overshadows my relationship. I hate this feeling and it irks me even in my sleep. Does he know this? Don’t think so. Too scared and tired to tell him anything anymore.

This is what it has come, and before I could tell him, I am telling you guys about it because I need to rant. I’ve been keeping it for far too long. I have not ever taken anything from him, yet I’m blamed for something that I clearly understand its both of our faults. I’m blamed for making our relationship become like this and you know what… I’m not surprised that he even blames me for anything else that comes along next. So I’m a mess and a fuck up, clearly that is his case here. Maybe its because I have to compete with a 10 years older than me ghost! Perhaps its because I’m pressured because I certainly didn’t plan my life this way. Then what??

I just want to pass out like how one takes ecstasy and live high, I remember those times. Those were happier times, when I didn’t care less about anyone except my family of course. Now I have Mieke, and that’s my drive to love. Depression? Got over it yonks ago, when I nearly slit my wrist to get over the pain. I hate pain, though I understand the need to feel physical pain rather than internal pain, went through it before – but no, my family would start to suspect something. I think its time for me to disappear from the world and curl up somewhere and start thinking seriously about my own future. I have my job, guess I’ll be married to it like how I did before. Think that is the best.

The only person who knows this part of me – the inflicted pain, the frustration, my haunting’s, my past and present, my confused soul is my other half – Tara. No one knows this better than she, I have revealed every inner secrets that I had, every mistakes and every demon in my fiber being. My dark side, the one that makes me know I could imagine the most wretched things, the one that makes me smile when I know I am capable of making people angry with me and start to think that I’m stupid and useless. Making people believe that I am a blur case, it really is quite funny when they believe and convinced that you are of that nature and nothing else. Then nobody comes and disturbs me, my bubble, my protection from feeling the pain and neglect. It’s been quite a while since I’ve done it, feels like I’m going back there again soon. Time to grow up and face the fact again, that the world is not really as pretty as I thought it was. This revelation came when I was about 12 years old(?) I think, that the world is full of pretentious and self-absorbed people. The difference this time is, I am 26 and its about blardy time to get things straight that no one is going to take care of me except me. When I was 12, I was alone and guess what… it made me strong – its a joke when people suddenly thought you’ve changed because of first impressions over time. Time to accept the consequences and so be it. Life goes on, people don’t really care, friends betray you, your partner might even cheat on you, the sky is still blue, and continues the circle of life.

Hell yeah! I am a reborn just accepting the fact that life is this way, its up to me to make the best of it, patience is a virtue, and fuck what people think. It’s you who matters and be proud of it. Man that was some anger writing!