On my mind right now
Now I’ve got lots of things that are racing through my mind but to pluck one out of thin air is pretty hard and I think anyone who wants to get in there would probably get flooded with thoughts.
My birthday is coming up and in the past 2 years, now this is going to be sad… I’ve not had good memories about my birthday in the past 2 years. So this time around, it’s bloody time for me to have a good one. How good it will be? I will let u know soon but I intend to make the month of December a celebratory one as I’ve been through hell and back in the past… 1.5 – 2 months.
Now rewinding back for the past 2 months, my fiance broke up with me. Yeap that’s the one that broke me in half literally and least to say, it was HELL! Anybody who is going through this (which I sincerely hope no one does), it freaking is a tough one to come back even though I am an optimistic and idealistic person. I am sure that there are other worse scenarios than mine, such as bills to pay, health issues, family crisis and life in general is hard. Guess what? Ya I went through it too, not as hard but enough to know. But being the person that believes in love and yes I trusted my man, and yes I also dream of having a future with this man even though I know it was going to be tough and difficult, my heart broke the minute my man has lost faith and confidence in the relationship. It’s one of the things like when your family tells you to leave and never come back because your a disgrace. I guess I took it equal, as to me marriage is like family. I took it hard but I own up to it instead of playing the victim game. Empowering,recovering and healing yourself again after this kind of breakup seriously tests so much of myself that I actually felt like Bella in ‘Twlight’. Ya like WTF? Compassion, patience, love, and all the questions you ask when you breakup. Oh ya… it sucks majorly. I even ask my goddess to kill me if there’s an opportunity. I just felt like all the energy and belief got sucked out of me and I walked around like ‘dead’ for a while. It was so bad, it hurt, and it pained to the point that even it affected my health. I walked like a dead and even reacted like a dead.
Now with that being said, I still have feelings for him. Those of you who would tell me to change my mind otherwise, I have tried. It’s still new that’s why I’m feeling blue? Yea, I’ve thought about that. When I love… I love hard. I made the choice to love a man who not only feels he is not good enough but also one who feels that this relationship is just too hard and not worth it. When I believe otherwise and that sucks because while I may be dreamy and thought that we can overcome obstacles, the truth is he is not dreamy like me. Some people may find me annoying that way, how naive the way I think and guess what… it often works for me. To wallow in the pain for too long, I feel is a silly thing to do… coz the pain will always be there. To think that life is hard… it will forever be hard. To think money is hard to come by… ya it will be difficult to come by. Instead I like to think that ‘Life is not hard’ and somehow it really does work for me that way, ‘Life is good’ and really my life is good. Easier said than done, it takes a lot of energy to psyche yourself into it.
A lot of people come and tell me, you have no idea how hard it is to live on your own. Truth is, yes I do just that I made the choice not to. I live with my family and I’m moving out soon and even then, I don’t think it would be very very hard. I will be busy for sure but not very very difficult. Sure I will go through rough times but I love independence and freedom that way, 
and I know I will be fine. Some will come and tell me, you will always have your family behind you. While I am fortunate that way, I don’t abuse it and I don’t intend to. I have the loving and support but I never asks for a penny, seems foolish. All the throwbacks that one can possibly come and tell me that I am ignorant, truth is I look at things differently. Well you can ask Louise Hay about that and its true. Mayhap I look at life in a very light way and not let other things bring me down, because I know that if I do it will just make life seems so much more harder to live. Life is so complicated as it is, why make it harder?
While I may ramble about all of this, the one thing that I have learned from this experience is to not only ‘let go’ of my past and future but to APPROVE myself. I never knew how much it meant to me until I tried it in the mirror. So for those of you out there who has insecurities, please allow yourself this moment to tell yourself that you love yourself and approve yourself. I know it sounds kinda stupid, but it works.
